The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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