Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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