So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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