Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
