Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
