Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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