Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
