I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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