all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
