I'm so fucking centered right now
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
