it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize