Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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