Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
