I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
