thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She is in my trunk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
