I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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