Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
