aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
