I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
