hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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