plz talk dirty to me
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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