She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize