when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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