i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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