I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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