Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
