never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
