Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Randomize
