I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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