My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
