Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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