if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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