Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
