either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Who wears a wallet chain?!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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