lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
