so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
