I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
