i think my tv is drunk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
