I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
