I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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