This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
