Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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