She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I wish you could order shots online.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
