Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
there is puke in my bra ... again
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
