you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
