somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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