My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
