I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
