Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize