Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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