That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It's rum buckets o'clock
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All the doctor said was why
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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